The Married Mom’s Guide to Toy Hiding

Even those without children understand the importance of a good hiding place for your toys. We have all heard, witnessed, or been involved in those uncomfortable stories of the family pet carrying a hot pink dildo through the living room on a major holiday get together, or the delighted child who found out his parents were “super heroes” with a collection complete with whips, cuffs, and other strange devices. This guide is designed to help you discover creative hiding places around your home, and hopefully inspire you to find some of your own.

While storing your toys in a box under the bed may work for some people, it may not work for all. I once had a visiting child bring his mother one of my husband’s masturbation sleeves. While the child had no idea what he had dug up, his mother and I did. Boy, was that embarrassing! So what alternative options are there for hiding your sexual treasures?

Some nifty boxes adorned with locks, but with my luck I would lose the key. If you are blessed with height you could store your collection in the top of your closet, but that is no help to us short folk. There is of course the option of using a hidey pillow or a teddy bear, but could you imagine your surprise if you ever forgot and your pillow begins violently vibrating in the middle of a peaceful nap?

I personally like to get creative with my hiding places. Even with limited space, multiple roommates, or nosy children there are tons of hiding options in any house; behind the TV or microwave, behind the books on your bookshelf, in an empty shampoo bottle under the sink, to name a few. Why limit your hiding places to just the bedroom when you may get a hankering for pleasure in any room of your house? You will need to use your imagination and hide a toy in every room for those adventurous urges.

Behind the TV is not the only option for your living room hiding place. You could easily stuff a pleasure device between the couch cushions, under the recliner, or in a potted plant! Of course this may just be begging your children to use your lime green ten incher as a sword for their next game of make believe. And do not be limited to behind the microwave for your kitchen, either. Hide one behind that frozen bag of peas you have had in your freezer for two years, or under the stove, just make sure that one is not “meltable.” While you are hiding your toys in the kitchen do not forget which cooking oil you use for lube and which one you actually use for cooking! Ideas for your bathroom might include behind the toilet, in a cardboard toilet paper roll, or under that towel no one ever uses. If you slip one in your tampon box be aware of the possibility of female visitors finding it. Since you are already in the bathroom do not forget to wash your toys before use, unless of course you enjoy the feeling of behind the potty grime in your lady bits.

If you are brave and truly adventurous you may be tempted to try the “hide it in plain sight” approach. You could use ben wa balls as center piece decorations, throw in some potpourri and no one would ever guess that your kegal balls were on your coffee table! Use butt plugs as faux candles, the more unique the design the more stylish family and friends will believe you are- just be sure no one attempts to light them. Dildos could be used as unique art pieces. Vibrators have the potential to be disguised as hand mixers or neck massagers. Get a little more creative with vibrators by taking the batteries out, flipping them upside down and using them to hold silk flowers- voila! a vase. Cock rings could be thrown in with tools and your friends would believe that they were merely washers or what not.

Remember, be creative, and do not limit yourself to just the bedroom! But of course hiding it in plain sight or even in a place that seems like a good hiding place outside of the privacy of your bedroom is just asking for trouble. All things considered, you may be better off just investing in a lock box. And for the sake of your toys, DO NOT LOSE THE KEY!