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Today’s article focuses on a problem that many men face with the introduction of a toy, and that is envy and feelings of inadequacy in the face of a vibrator. We will discuss how to overcome this and why you will never be replaced by a vibrator.

We vs. Me Mentality
One thing I have noticed in forum posts, online discussions, and personal discussions is that men compare themselves to vibrators. They compare the length of their penis, the girth of their penis, and how their penis can’t vibrate. But the first thing you need to realize is that you are not in a competition with a vibrator. A vibrator is not a replacement for your penis. Men get this “me” versus the vibrator mentality where everything is compared to one.
There is a reason why vibrators vibrate, come in bright colors, have patterns, and have different lengths and girths. It is because they have to differentiate themselves from your penis. They have to find a niche market where they can actually compete. You are not competing with vibrators; they are competing with you. They have to have new and novel features to compete with you and be sold.
So understand that you and a vibrator are distinct entities, that each is unique, and each provides something different. It is not a head to head competition. It is far better to think of the vibrator and you as a “we.” You complement each other and create something better together. So the first thing you need to get comfortable with introducing a vibrator is to stop the vibrator versus “me” mentality and think of the two of you as a “we.”
Things A Vibrator Cannot Do
The reason a vibrator should not be compared to you is because a vibrator cannot do many things. There is a distinct feel to a penis. It is warm, it changes because it is flexible, it can ejaculate, it swells before orgasm, and it just has a unique texture and feel to it. When you are having sex with someone, they feel your breath, you can kiss them, you can talk to them and whisper sweet nothings to them, you can moan and groan, your body creates warmth, your hands move, your movements are unique each time, and you exert pressure on her. These are all things unique to you that no vibrator can ever replicate. There is a human aspect that is so random, so unique each time, and so dynamic that it is really something special.
The biggest thing a vibrator cannot do is create an emotional relationship. A vibrator cannot tell you it loves you. It cannot surprise you with gifts, cheer you up when you are sad, it cannot love you, it cannot make you feel safe, special, or excited. These are all human things. And sex is so much more than just an orgasm. Sex is about a connection to someone. It is about an expression of your feelings. It is about intimacy. Again these are all qualities that you have that are far more important than a vibrator. When you ask someone what the most important part of their relationship is, no one says the number of orgasms they have. And that is really why a vibrator cannot replace you, because it cannot create a relationship.
Communication
Now I can tell you a bunch of reasonable, logical things, but chances are there is still going to be some doubt in the back of your mind. You are still going to have that emotional response that makes you want to smash that infernal toy. The only way you are really going to get rid of that anxiety is to sit down and talk with your partner. You need to have a heart to heart and share your insecurities. Feel free to say they are unreasonable and you want them to go away. Feel free to share your worries and your feelings. That is fine. If she is truly an understanding partner, she is going to explain how you will never be replaced. She can calm those insecurities and help you understand the things she personally likes about you best. If you are jealous at all, sit down and have a conversation. It will do so much to help you understand what she likes about sex, what she likes about you, and chances are afterwards you are going to have even better sex than before.
What Happens When you Introduce A Vibrator?
Something to think about is what happens after you introduce a vibrator. From personal experience, friend’s experiences, and online reading, it is that vibrators actually increase the amount of sex you have. You might be asking yourself how that is possible. Well the more of a good thing you have the more you want of it. How often do you have an amazing dessert and think about it for the next day? How often do you get a craving for something super delicious? Well the same thing happens with a vibrator. A vibrator makes sex better. It creates a “we.” You create a compliment. It works great for foreplay. It works great during your refractory period. It lets you have clitoral and vaginal stimulation simultaneously. And when the two of you experience better sex, you want more sex. You get a taste of something amazing and it is always on your mind. It draws you back again and again. So realize that a vibrator will not replace you, but it will in fact make you more valuable than you used to be. You now become more desirable.
So if you have vibrator envy, realize you are unique and a vibrator will never replace you. It will only ever compliment you. Realize that you likely need to sit down and share your fears and work through them. And also realize a vibrator might get you lucky more often.

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Today I want to look at masochism and help those who are not masochists potentially understand why someone might enjoy pain.
I wanted to write this article because of the initial difficulty my girlfriend and I had and the initial difficulty I have seen others have. For many people, it is hard to understand how another person would choose to cause pain to themselves, or say that pain is a pleasurable sensation. Yet this is exactly what a masochist will tell you. So I wanted to write this article to help understand why another person would like pain. I think when you do it is easier to accept your partner and also provide that stimulus they want. I do want to say though that masochism is a highly individual experience. Each person will give you different reasons. The list I have created is largely personal, but from what I have read and talked to others about, it seems to be quite common in terms of why people say they enjoy it.
Trust
The first reason pain is enjoyable is because allowing another person to inflict pain upon yourself requires huge amounts of trust. If you hand a paddle to someone and tell them to spank you, that requires trust. If you let someone flog you, that requires trust. If you let someone stick needles in your, it requires trust. If you let someone bite you, scratch you, dig rope into you, do anything to your body, it requires trust. There are potentially serious consequences if they do it improperly. When someone paddles me, they can cause too much pain. They could cause internal bleeding if they hit the wrong spot. They could cause nerve damage. They could cause bleeding. They could seriously harm me. But I consent to that risk because I trust them and love them. The more risk there is, the more trust is required. And normally inflicting pain on a person involves more risk. So part of masochism to me is that it really allows me to bond with a partner, to develop love and affection. It allows a connection and a closeness that can exist outside of BDSM, it can exist outside of masochism, but to me masochism facilitates that relationship and makes it easier. So when someone says hit me, realize that is a sign of respect and trust.
Endorphins
The second reason I love pain is because of endorphins. Endorphins are your body’s feel good hormones. If you have ever heard about morphine, it is an opioid which mimics your endorphins. They decrease pain, increase happiness, and make you feel good. Runners get cranky when they stop running for a day because they are short of endorphins. Trauma also causes a release of endorphins. So a part of pain is actually pleasure. It is that release of endorphins and that surge of feeling good. It is my guess that masochists are slightly different in how they deal with pain and release above average levels of endorphins or respond in a greater magnitude. I have never found any data backing that up, but it seems reasonable. When I experience pain brought on by my partner, there is pain and discomfort, but that is quickly replaced by a warm buzzing sensation. People describe highs. They talk about “subspace” and how they just drift. That is caused by those endorphins. So realize your experience to pain is not the same as everyone else’s and that sometimes people feel more good than bad when it comes to pain.
Pride
There is a joy in overcoming an obstacle. There is contentment and utility in pushing yourself hard. The same exists for masochists getting through a session. When your dominant or top wants to push slightly harder than before, when they want a longer session, or to hit harder, or you want a longer session, or to be hit harder, there is a pride and a sense of accomplishment. You feel as though you achieved something. You let yourself be in an uncomfortable position for a long period of time to please your partner. Or to push yourself and build your willpower and determination. That pride and success adds to your mood when the session is done and provides a driving force when you are in pain. It adds mental stimulation to your sessions and provides you with happiness when it’s done. So part of your partner’s masochism might be out of pride and a sense of accomplishment of being able to push themselves and grow.
Not All Pain Is The Same
I just want to end off on something too, which I think helps understand a masochist better. Not all pain is the same. This was a hard concept for my girlfriend to understand too. But just because I am a masochist does not mean all pain feels good. In fact there are lots of types of pain I absolutely dislike. But there are good pains too.
The difference is this. A bad pain feels bad and continues to feel bad. A good pain tends to start out feeling bad, but then ends up feeling really good. My point here is that masochists still do feel pain, they still dislike things, and they still avoid certain things. It is just that some things you register as pain are different to them and are also associated with good feelings. This is also why it is important to negotiate and understand what your masochistic partner wants (as well as them understanding your wants).
So hopefully you now understand why our partner might like pain and enjoy the sensation. My hope is also that this potential understanding can bring you closer together and allow you to grow as you understand each other better. As always if you have any questions ask in the comments. If you want to know about any specific experiences or more detail I will be happy to answer.

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Back in the day when I was in the middle of puberty, I was intrigued by the allure of older women. My father had a roomer in those days. She was a woman from the Delta, curvy and plain speaking, so comfortable in her body. I couldn’t get enough of her.
Six months after her arrival, she started meeting me in her rooms after school. She was a great teacher in the art of love. She was forty and I was in my mid teens. It was a revelation to see her fully undressed, a cram course in adolescent desire, and the classes were easy to learn from her.
One lesson involved the alchemy of sensual touch and stroking, while another showcased the many areas of the carnal kiss. One other class yielded the various sensitive zones of the breasts where an eager young mouth and fingers could lick and fondle to the teacher’s delight, and yet another one featured the magic of oral sex, all done with sizzle and passion.
However, this older woman never bedded me. No penetration. I was disappointed in that, but those master classes of lust and love have carried me through life to this present day. I was a very good student.

Coo Coo Ca-Choo, Mrs. Robinson

Which brings us to the matter at hand: the current red-hot MILF porn trend, and why it continues to thrive. The concept of a sexual mentor tutoring a younger person, be it any sex, is age old. In fact, the MILF, the American Pie slang for “Mom I’d Like To Fuck,” means that America has—at least partially—shaken off its Puritan cloak and grown up.
Witness the screen myth of Mrs. Robinson, the Desperate Housewives or the gal-pal quartet of Sex And The City. Maybe society has turned a moral and cultural corner in accepting the unbridled sexuality of older women without labeling them as cradle snatchers or loose women.
Nina Hartley, a porn superstar/columnist/sex educator, feels the graying of America has opened the door for this rising MILF trend. “The porn industry has endorsed the MILF films because Boomers are aging and want to see people who look like them—especially Boomer wives, who control what porn is brought into the house.”
Hundreds of porn starlets audition and do films every year. A few—like Sasha Grey, Bree Olsen, Stoya, Kagney Linn Karter, and Tory Black—go on to mainstream success, but most vanish or sink without a trace, meanwhile, MILF performers are enjoying a stream of steady work, or a career renaissance.
Hartley reports that stars from the ’80s and ’90s may be older, but they’re still working and hugely popular. “What makes for a great MILF is a good attitude—liking to have sex and letting it show—and being in shape for her age,” she says. “And it’s good to have a calm and mature mind.”
There’s very little physical difference to be seen in Nina Hartley, “then” and “now.” She remains a looker and totally in demand as a MILF queen. Other former stars in the business have resurfaced and become fan favorites: Ginger Lynn, Rayveness, Midori, Julia Ann, Amber Lynn, Nikki Hunter, Debi Diamond, and Keisha.
Lisa Ann, a star performer during the Golden Age of Porn in 1980s, recently returned to the industry for her award-winning role as Sarah Paylin, and as a regular MILF empress. The actress closed a successful talent agency to concentrate on filming and directing. “I didn’t really expect my career to take off like it has in the past three or four year,” she says. “I’m at this point where I’ve got a few years left and I really want to make the most of it.”

Hard Times Can Be Good Times

While most traditional porn took a major hit when the economy tanked, MILF porn was able to maintain its steady—and growing—niche. At a time when the adult industry began to rely more and more heavily on celebrity sex tapes, TV show parodies, Brazilian drag queens, and Asian nymphets for fiscal survival, profits continued to pour in to the studios from the MILF legends with their younger lads and lasses.
Perhaps a clue to the MILF genre’s ongoing popularity lies in some of the titles:Momma’s Boy, The Mommy Experience, I Want to Cum Inside Your Mom, Mama Likes It Big, Momma Knows Best, Moms Gone Wild, Hot Moms In Heat, MILF Worship, Mommy Likes It Black, Wanna Fuck My Daughter—Gotta Fuck Me First, Mommy Issues, and Mommy Loves Salami. There’s something for everyone.
With its 2010 win, one of the most treasured MILF series, Seasoned Players, has earned actor-director Tom Byron the AVN Awards for two years in a row. If you want to know what the gold standard of MILF porn is, this series—which features such legends as Lisa Ann, Ginger Lynn, Raylene, Kelly Nichols, Teri Weigel, Amber Lynn, and the incomparable Nina Hartley—is it.
“Seasoned Players is my baby,” Byron told AVN Magazine. “To get recognition for it is great, but to win Best MILF series back to back is just awesome.”

It’s Unconditional, Stupid

Whenever the MILF fad is mentioned, there’s always talk about sexual peaks in biology, the younger guys hitting their stride in their late teens or early 20s and older women in their early 40s (sort of like Mrs. Delta and myself). A few years ago, AARP released a study that said 34 percent of all women ages 40 to 60 were dating younger men. Who knew?
All this Mommy talk has its basis in facts, according to Dr. Betty Dodson, the famed sexologist and author of Sex For One: The Joy of Self Loving and Orgasmic Women. “Most young men just naturally love their mothers. After all, it’s the first love affair they experience. And the titty dinner they get during breastfeeding is enduring. Those men who were bottle fed end it up tit obsessed. A mother’s love is unconditional. She loves you no matter how fast you come or how fucking dumb you are.”
Mick Farren, legendary sci-fi novelist and cultural observer for AVN Magazine, agrees. “It’s classic. It’s as least as old as Oedipus and his mom. It’s Dustin Hoffman’s choice in the movie, The Graduate. Who would you want to fuck: Katherine Ross or Anne Bancroft? The answer is both. And there’s the other side of the coin: It’s older women getting some vigorous youthful dick.”
Currently, MILF porn flicks are going through a series of offshoots in various categories and configurations, no longer catering solely to males, but to female as well, gay and transgender demographics. As Nina Hartley concludes, “The Boomers will continue to dominate the culture until we’re all dead. It’s the bulge in the python metaphor. As we age, we’ll keep sex front and center. Sooner or later, there’ll be ‘Geezer Porn,’ I’m sure!”

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There’s the hot mom meaning. And then there’s the Muslim insurgent group …

Most unfortunate acronym ever: News reports refer to the Moro Islamic Liberation Front in the Philippines as MILF. Sounds like something out of an Austin Powers movie, doesn’t it? Just so you know, MILF thinks Osama bin Laden is a martyr. And the Philippine Daily Inquirer says that MILF needs to make sure “its unruly spawn will not stand in the way of renewed efforts for a just and lasting peace in Mindanao.” That MILF might have “unruly spawn” … okay, yeah, it’s Monday morning and we are easily amused.
No one from the Philippines MILF, then, would have beenattending the MILF Beauty Pageant on Saturday night at Andy’s Bar and Courthouse Square in Denton, Texas, where contestants either had to be a mom or had to be “over 28 and smokin’ hot.” Among other things.
The Philippine MILF has been around for decades, apparently, though we only just discovered it today. The porn-y term MILF, we think, was coined by writers for theAmerican Pie movie franchise and obviously caught on a lot faster, at least in America. No wonder Muslim extremist political groups hate western media? But maybe they ought to think about changing the name …

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So, with Mother’s Day behind us (that would be the second Sunday of May) but the month in which it falls still with us, perhaps we need to roll out a MILF Day? Or make plans for one beginning next year? I mean, we have special days for just about everything now, including “Talk Like a Pirate Day,” so why isn’t there a MILF Day? Or am I just slacking on my online searching game this month?

Anyway, maybe the last Sunday of the month, just to give folks a couple weeks for the next paycheck to roll around so they can spend the same amount of money they did on brunch, flowers and chocolates to instead buy and wrap an assortment of sex toys, lingerie and…chocolate sauce?

On the other hand, maybe we don’t need MILF Day.
You know, if for no other reason that it’s kind of a tacky term. The act itself is fine; younger men with older women isn’t anything new. You can find plenty of examples of that historically. Not as many as younger women with older men, but that’s probably mainly because men have called so many of the shots for so long. Mature women and maturing men may have never been any more or less popular than it is now, even though it may not have been as visible or as open in past generations.
But anyway, back to my point. Coining a term “mother I’d like to fuck” to differentiate porn featuring middle aged women from porn featuring the young’uns already suggests all kind of excessive objectification beyond the norm. We have plenty of sites touting TEENS or BARELY LEGAL…is it so hard just to say you have porn with middle-aged women, mature women, sexy soccer moms or whatever else?
Also, MILF sounds like a milk company and JIF got together to make a special peanut-butter-flavored dairy product.
So, I’ll pass on embracing the whole MILF term.
Still, though, in this month of moms, can I ignore the siren call to discuss issues around young men having sex with women old enough to be their mothers? I could, but I won’t, because sometimes taking the low-hanging fruit is actually the right thing to do. So, let’s move on to the more popular term today, which isn’t exactly a substitute or synonym for MILF but is certainly of a similar theme, and that would be the “cougar.”
Until such time as women tire of being called cougars and decide to complain that they’re being compared to animals (even though many of them embrace the term now), we’ll go with that. Lots of groups seem to get tired of its titles eventually and rebel against them and demand new ones, but maybe this one will stick.
Because for goodness sake, this isn’t a fad. We need to have some term, I guess, because the phenomenon will stay with us. Sure, it might be overly hyped and “all the rage” right now to be a cougar, claim to be a cougar or aspire to be a cougar, but that’s not unlike any other trend. When it becomes big, everyone wants to jump on the bandwagon or knock the wheels off of it. Eventually, something new comes around to replace it in the hype machine. When the hype is no longer worth it, cougars won’t be any more notable than breast men, leg men, swingers or furries. What? Furries still aren’t mainstream? Oh, well. Scratch that one from my list, then.
There is a reason we have cougars and why we have had cougars for millennia, even before the time the label was slapped on human women and not simply on large predatory felines. It’s because young men often lust after what they are familiar with. If you’re a young man, chances are good that you’ve had some aunts (blood related or marriage related) to whom you’ve been attracted. Or other mom-aged relatives, close family friends, or neighbors. As such, there’s a good chance that you will develop a hankering for such women, either at some defined point in life or as a lifestyle. Just like many people play with homosexual urges at some point or simply become homosexual altogether.
Also, there’s something to be said for experience. Sure, you can learn how to make love with someone your own age, except the chances are that person will be just as inexperienced as you or close to it. You’re both fumbling around unknown territory with, at best, book learning and unreliable instincts to guide you. It’s a wonder any of us learn to have good sex under such conditions. If you hook up with someone older, you will stand a better chance of benefitting from loads of experience and having much better orgasms, I suspect.
This is probably largely the reason for older men/young women pairings too (familiarity/attraction to being around older men through so much of life and/or greater experience). Also, in ages (or even a few decades) past, it was hard for women to even think about success or wealth on their own, so you can add in the “sugar daddy” factor there to draw young women to older men traditionally.
Finally, there are cougars because Mother Nature is a cruel practical joker. Or God has a really evil sense of humor. Or both. If there are no spirits of the world or the universe, then clearly evolution is itself a sentient being with a mean streak toward humanity.
Why?
Because whereas it’s pretty common for young men to be able to go at it sexually for hours and get their erections back quickly and hardly ever have that performance anxiety thing that’s strong enough to kill an erection…it’s not so common for older men. We end up needing more time to recover in a lot of cases and get a second erection, we may lose the one we have at the drop of a hat, etc.
Meanwhile, young women often need a lot of TLC down below before they can orgasm, which the young men often aren’t interested in spending that much time on. And then women hit middle age and often experience a real spike in their libido. They start trying things sexually they never considered before, they want sex more often, they rev up more quickly, they come more quickly, they want it harder and faster, etc.
These aren’t blanket rules, of course, but they match my general observations in life, so clearly they are all pretty common scenarios. And therein lies the cruel rub, like giving someone a handjob with sandpaper: If you are young and paired with a young person, there is a great likelihood there is a mismatch in your libidos and sexual needs and you need to adjust to the other person’s needs (or be an asshole and ignore them). If you are older and paired with an older person, you have the same problem, except the gender roles kind of reverse.
So, naturally, at certain points in life, you may find the most satisfaction by pairing up with a person at the opposite end of the gender spectrum AND consenting age spectrum.
Thus, I understand the whole cougar thing. I think there’s nothing wrong with it, to some extent it’s natural and logical, and it works for lots of people. So, while we’re paying attention to it a lot more now, it’s kind of like other issues we’ve swept under the rug and ignored in the past—It’s not that it didn’t exist; we just didn’t want to talk about it before now.
So, it’s good to talk about it now. Hopefully we can get to the point soon where it’s just no big deal.
But…and did you sense I had a “but” in here all along?…I do have certain things about the popularity of cougar life (and the older male equivalent, which doesn’t seem to get a term except “cradle robber” as far as I can tell, unless you’re well-off enough to be a sugar daddy) that bug me a little.
For one thing, I don’t want a younger woman. Frankly, the older I get, the more that young adult women look like teenagers to me. I see a 20-something in a movie (porn or otherwise), and I can find her sexy and become aroused, but I wouldn’t want to bed her in real life. Personally, I’d feel dirty doing that (no offense to the dudes who don’t). As I’ve aged, the images I have in my mind of sexy women age a bit, too. It’s not like young ladies are knocking down my door, but there have been many times young women have flirted with me, and it simply confounds me. It’s flattering, but also makes me a little embarrassed.

So, in my life, I have a quandary. Given that the wife and I opened up our marriage a couple years back (even though we’ve done precious little to actually act on that openness sexually), I don’t really know what to do. If I were flat-out single, I wouldn’t have a problem finding a woman my age because it’s still all-too-true that middle-aged women have the hardest time finding a partner (particularly of their own age, since older men can attract younger women so often). But I’m not single. I’m looking at times for some extra sex with someone who’s not my wife. But close to my own age nonetheless.
However, among swingers, I feel like most of the women are looking for something younger or they’re looking for another woman (of comparable age or, often, a younger one to be the “unicorn” in the fabled MWW three-way scenario that is all too hard to come by most of the time).
Likewise, my wife would love to find someone near her age to play with. Could she go cougar? No doubt. She’s aging very gracefully, she’s personable, she knows her way around the male body and she can be very sultry. Rawwwwrrrr!
But our son is 21 now. She doesn’t want someone in their 20s because it’s just going to make her think of the fact she could be the mother of the young man she’s banging. It doesn’t work for her personally. And to most men her own age or close to it, she’s nearly invisible, because they’re going after the younger asses a lot of the time.
So, I have nothing against cougar culture. Or cougar country. Or cougar couture or whatever. It’s as valid as any other sexual proclivity that involves consenting adults. If you like it, I love it (on your behalf).
But in the end, it’s just people having sex with other people, and it has it’s messy points and its alluring ones.
Sometimes both at once.

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Today we are going to discuss orgasm denial. What is it? How do you do it? Why do people like it?

Orgasm denial, or erotic sexual denial as it is sometimes called, is a form of sexual play commonly associated with BDSM, but not always. The point of orgasm denial is to have a highly aroused state, yet not have an orgasm for an extended period of time. The basic concept is you can sexually stimulate your partner as much as you want, but they are not allowed to fully reach climax and have an orgasm. There are multiple ways of playing with orgasm denial, all being similar, but slightly different and having a slightly different end goal.

The first thing you need to decide is whether or not an orgasm will actually be allowed during the play period. Some people will deny their partner an orgasm completely, and when the session ends they will not have had an orgasm. Others will deny their partner an orgasm for an extended period of time (for example one hour), but at the end of the session will let their partner have an orgasm. Certain people get “blue balls” including both female and males if they do not have an orgasm after sexual stimulation. These people likely will want to have an orgasm, but others might receive more satisfaction by being completely denied one.

There are various ways you can deny your partner an orgasm. The easiest way to perform orgasm denial on your partner is to physically restrain them. You can put them in any type of bondage, but the best is where they are unable to reach their genitals or any other area they can orgasm from (so if they can orgasm by stimulating their nipples, then do not let them have access to their nipples). You could use leather restraints, you could use neoprene restraints, you could use rope, or you could use metal restraints. You could use any item you normally use for bondage and tie your partner up. You are now in control of your partner and controlling their orgasm is much easier because they cannot cause an orgasm themselves. The one issue with this method is accessing their genitals might be difficult. If you use rope, it can impede your ability to access their genitals. This just requires some ingenuity and thinking of positions that allow you access but doesn’t allow them access. A great example would be a straightjacket. Their genitals are freely accessible, but they have no access to their genitals because their hands are restrained. Another example would be a hogtie where they are placed onto a Hitachi Magic Wand. The wand stimulates them, but their hands are behind their back. This method of restraining your partner is sometimes called the “tie and tease” method.

The second method is called the “tease and denial” method. In this method, there are no restraints. So it is very similar to the first method, but you just remove all the restraints. In this instance you need to have a partner who will refrain from giving themselves an orgasm. This can be fun for some people because they have to consciously choose to listen to their partner. This can definitely reinforce a D/S type of relationship, but more on that later. You stimulate your partner and stimulate your partner and you watch them, and when they get close to an orgasm you can either remove the stimulation completely (example: remove the vibrator) or you can slow down the stimulation (turn down the vibrator) to prevent the orgasm from happening. This requires knowing a partner decently well and watching quite closely.

The third method is the “total denial” method. In this instance you prevent any genital stimulation. So you could place your partner in a chastity belt and then stimulate their nipples, their thighs, or their buttocks, but you do not allow any direct genital stimulation. This is just a variation which can create a different feeling than the above situations. You technically do not need a chastity belt and could just forbid your partner from touching their genitals at all.

So why do people like orgasm denial? There are two main reasons. The first is that some people find it leads to stronger, longer, and more pleasurable orgasms. They find that after extended arousal, it is more intense and more pleasurable when they are finally allowed to have their orgasm. This is similar to people who do not masturbate for long periods of time and then do, often describing it as a more enjoyable, pleasant, and intense orgasm. The second reason is that people enjoy the dominance and submission of it. There is a high amount of control in this scenario. One person gains sexual control of the other and chooses when they can have sexual release. This D/S dynamic itself can be highly erotic and satisfying to many individuals.

Orgasm denial can be performed using anything really. You could have normal sex and stop when your partner comes close to orgasm. You could use toys such as vibrators and dildos. You could have oral sex. You could use your fingers and manual stimulation. Anything can be used for orgasm denial as long as it creates sexual stimulation that can be controlled enough to prevent an orgasm from occurring.

As always if you have any questions feel free to ask them in the comments.

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In her article “Are You Living In A Sexless Marriage?” Cathy Meyer,About.com/Divorce Support, defines a sexless marriage as “one in which one spouse feels there isn’t enough sex or there is no sex at all.” She further states that the expectations about frequency may be an underlying issue that causes some people to think their marriage is sexless. She follows this definition with lots of good reasons why some people may not have the same sex drive as their partners.

AARP statistics state that 65 percent of mature couples still have sex, as reported by Jeanne Lee Davis’ article on WebMD. Another interesting quote from “Get it on or Get Divorced?” by Vicki Larson,Huffington Post, is that “61 percent of men aged 45 to 55 say a good sex life is a critical part of a healthy relationship, [while] just 47 percent of women in the same age group agree.”

It’s interesting in all these articles that they seem to all be how to instructions on how to get more sex. It’s a fact that sex plays an important role in marriage. However, each marriage is unique, and a one-size-fits-all solution may not be right for everyone. Sex is an intimate experience, more so today in some ways since the AIDs scare and the loss of the free-love adventure of the 60s. Sex demands within marriage have also changed tremendously with the advent of birth control. It is not so far back in our cultural history that arranged marriages and marriages of convenience occurred. It is also not really that long ago that some religious cultures did not even allow men and women to view each other’s bodies, even when they were married. Ever seen a picture of the old Victorian pajamas that had holes in just the right places so that married couples might engage in intercourse without having to take off their clothes?

Somehow in our ever-changing world, we have taken a very intimate detail of marriage and created additional expectations, somewhat similar to the way the media has set up expectations about the way men and women should look. In older small cultural groups, women used to speak with other women about pleasing their husbands and doing what was necessary to stabilize the marriage, to protect the integrity of the entity which was established to provide for children. The same thing happened between men. What is missing in some of the current literature is the validation for couples who do not fit the expected norm, do not consider their sex life to be on par with an exercise schedule, and who have a deep and enduring love and respect for each other, no matter what.

Research of all kinds has shown that men and women show up for sex from different perspectives and with different expectations and needs, especially at different times in their lives. The common thread in the research that is helpful is that sex without intimacy and trusting relationship may not be sustainable. While sex can have health benefits pertaining to reducing stress, keeping fit, and increasing overall well-being, the effect of sex without intimacy and a trusting relationship is more harmful.

Yes, sex is a physical function that most people are driven to participate in as part of being human. Hormones and all that accompanies our human sex drive are natural, and sex is a wonderful experience. It is also a physical release that some folks get addicted to for real reasons, such as the release of natural oxytocin that can feel like a high, the experience of exclusive and deep intimacy, and the simple fact that it is one thing that can take one’s mind off of everything else for awhile. Such a powerful activity is wonderful and great to share. In this cultural day and age, it is frequently one of the powerful drives which brings people to contemplate marriage. Yet, it is not what marriage is about, in and of itself. A frequent and consistent sex schedule should not be the goal of a marriage. There are lots of cases of domestic violence that have this component.

If sex within a relationship is not what one hopes or was expecting, it is and should be a conversation topic. It may be a result of one partner not feeling safe, health issues, personal hygiene practices, willingness or lack of willingness to try different things during sex, beliefs about sex and marriage, or any wide assortment of discussable topics. Discussion, another form of intercourse, is what is needed to begin to determine whether or not there is a possibility for change — change that may feel necessary to one person. Being able to communicate and listen to each other are the keys to a strong and intimate relationship, not how frequently a couple has sex.

by Laurie Engelhardt (@LouEngelhardt) on Feb 27, 2014 5:11pm

By Posted on Posted in Guides

I think we all can agree that having a long term relationship is a great thing. As the relationship continues on, you gain a close friendship and a great sex partner, possibly for life. Spending a long time with someone can create challenges in the bedroom. Many couples feel that as they spend more time together, their sex lives get a little dull. So recently my partner and I have decided to go sexless for the next 3 months. Join me on my journey of revamping and restarting my sex life.

Part I: How it Started

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and everything has been amazing. He’s been the perfect boyfriend and the best friend I could ask for. Now as far as sex goes, that has been diminishing over the past several months.
When you first get into a relationship and get to the point of having sex, sex is exciting. You get to discover the other person. You get to know them and their body on a more personal level, and I think everyone can agree it takes the relationship to a whole new ball park. But after so many years of sex with the same partner, things can slow down a bit. This is perfectly normal and perfectly okay. Almost everyone I know who has had long term relationships or are even married experience this at some point.
The first and best way to overcome this is experimenting. Now I don’t mean invite other people to your bed or let each other sleep with someone else. I mean try something new. Try having sex in different places, on different surfaces and so on and work your way up to something a little more…experimental. My boyfriend and I have used toys in the bedroom as well as other sexual devices and for a good while that kept us going. A lot of the time we’d get home and couldn’t wait to get in bed together to try out our new toys or just play with the good old ones. But recently we’re feeling stuck in a rut. We still love each other and we still have sex regularly, but the excitement of the toys and new places has decreased. So we decided to try something new.

Part II: The Brilliant Idea

My boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch one night after a romp around the living room. We were just talking about how much we love each other and we started to reminisce on how our relationship was when we first got together. We remember the excitement, the rush, the nerves, and how great it was to finally get each other’s clothes off. (There was A LOT of sexual tension in the beginning!) That’s when the idea came to us…why not try to hold off from sex for a while and rekindle that tension?
We looked at each other with the biggest smiles on our faces and agreed that this was a fantastic idea. Now the question was for how long and what would the conditions be? We ended up deciding on three months, at least to start with. If we could hold out longer we would, but that would be decided on a later date. The other conditions included only masturbating once a day, two or three times a week without the use of sex toys. This way we could keep the sexual hunger up but sated for the time being. We are not allowed to provoke or try to overly arouse one another in any way or masturbation rights are revoked for the week. And of course the biggest thing of all, no sex…period, in any way, shape or form.
We started exactly three weeks ago and so far it’s working out great. It’s hard to sleep in the same bed without being able to rub up on each other or make love when we really feel passionate, but we know that by the time we do have sex everything we’ve been holding back will erupt in one ridiculous, amazing, and beyond fantastic sexual bomb. Everything we had in the beginning will resurface and that to us is so very worth it.

Part III: The reason I Tell You This…

The reason I wanted to share this experience with all of you is because sometimes sex can get repetitive when you’re with a partner and like I said, that’s okay. I look at it as a great way to try to revamp our sex life and discover new and maybe better ways to make love. I hope that my experience will give you ideas on how to experiment with your partner as well as insight on the method that my partner and I are currently trying.
It’s already very difficult to not have sex with each other. My boyfriend and I are highly sexual people and to just go cold turkey is no easy feat, but as I said we know it’ll be well worth it. So if you’re feeling like trying something new with your partner, maybe the best thing is not trying anything at all. You may be pleasantly surprised by where you end up. If you want a little insight on how the experience will be, just keep following my articles. Every few weeks I’ll post up on the progress and let you know how I’m feeling, and how he’s feeling so you can get an idea of how you might feel if you try going sexless.
Keep one thing in mind though, you may love how sex will be by the end of your chastity period. It might just be the greatest sex you’ve ever had.

By Posted on Posted in Guides

What am I going to cook for dinner? Did I leave the stove on? Why did Harold say that thing about my wife? Will they ever cum?

We all know that during sexual play time, there are those days (far many than few) where we cannot turn our minds to completing the fun at hand, to enjoy our sexual experiences fully. Is it possible to turn your thinking off? Can you quiet your mind? Is it even a realistic thought?

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

— Buddha

The Busy Mind

I would be a fool to suggest that we can actually turn our thinking off completely, considering that the mind is a busy, busy place. However, I will say that it can be too busy, which we know is called rumination and worrying.

However, mindfulness practitioners like Kabat-Zinn would stop me to make sure I add that the key to dealing with your thoughts is to adopt a thinking that is kinder, one that does not judge. What this means is that you should not feel bad for having thoughts because all you will end up doing is fighting to push things out of your mind that will be there whether you want them to be or not. So what are we to do instead? Thank the thought for occurring, put it on a leaf, and let the leaf float down the stream.

Ironically, I started to write this article at the end of February 2013 and then stopped. Clearly I wasn’t in a place to take my own advice. I withdrew into my mind and away from Eden. I have since broken up with my partner a few weeks ago and currently am in a weird space. It’s been hard to sleep and difficult to put those thoughts on leaves. Or rather, the thoughts are on leaves, but piled up at the top, blocking the flow of water downstream.

So what has that taught me? The mind is often a busy place, but I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. Thinking “I should be feeling this way” or “I should be doing this” only makes things worse, because I’m not feeling that way and not doing that thing and it is sometimes okay.

The Quiet Mind

As mentioned, it is not necessarily the case that the quiet mind does not think. As it concerns sexual activity with one’s partner, the quiet mind is one that is prepared to properly shift its focus to the task at hand.

Since being on Eden, I have met many people who have to plan their intimate time due to busy schedules and children. There is nothing wrong with that. However, being busy enough to plan means that your mind might be busy as well and you might have to work to get your mind in the right place in the time leading up to your fun for the night.

Some people already know this, but for those of you who don’t, this might include:
1. Sending sexy text messages throughout the day to your partner.

2. Getting a piece of lingerie prepared for the evening.

3. Having toys in the proper place and in ease of reach that suit your mood. Sometimes because you haven’t had time to reconnect in a while, it is okay to indicate by what you choose to set out what you are in the mood for. Your partner will appreciate it and it will ease your mind. It will also send appropriate messages for communication so neither one of you end up being disappointed or feel pressured.

4. If it includes dinner plans, know what those are! Are you going out? Are you staying in? Do you have a babysitter? Even if you don’t have a babysitter, do you have fun time worked out in a way that doesn’t disturb the children? (I’m pretty sure we can all figure that out)

5. One of the things a friend told me is that she thinks about how she looks. She is often worried about if she looks good or bad and how that comes across to her partner. My usual reply is that if they are with you, they have other things they are focused on besides your looks. I am not so naïve as to think that we don’t evaluate our partners or vice versa, but if they are with you intimately, it means that is something that is at the bottom of the list as compared to other things. Again, it is silly to say “don’t worry,” but really—if you have a worry, notice that worry, realize they are with you, and let it float away.

6. Another thing that has been mentioned to me is being able to relax enough to enjoy what is going on. I have been specifically told that the person tries to tell themselves to relax enough to enjoy what is going on. I will tell you right now that that doesn’t work because it brings your attention to the tension. What is a better alternative is to focus on the sensation. Pick one such as, how does their tongue feel? Is it warm? Is it moist? How is it stimulating me? And if isn’t, can I move a little to get them in the right place? Or can I just say something like “lick a little further up?” If they start doing something else, shift your focus to that new sensation and so on. It’s kind of like tracking that keeps your mind occupied and really honed in on what is most pleasurable at the moment because it isn’t going to feel amazing the entire time. We are human and can’t always perform at the peak. That is okay.

7. Something that is personal for me is making sure that my partner is receiving the maximum pleasure possible. I really love giving a good blow job, but sometimes you have to realize that it can’t go the same way every time. This requires a mindfulness that only the quiet mind is capable of. Although I am enjoying his cock in my mouth, is he enjoying it? Just because he likes deep throat with a lot of pressure does not mean that he is going to be super stimulated by it today. You have to be “awake” enough in your mind to realize this. You can if you notice that his cock is not responsive to you in the same way that it usually would be. This might mean that he might need you to focus on a different area. You can explore this, or ask him what he is in the mood for. Is it long tongue strokes up and down the shaft with firm pressure applied at the base with your hand? Is it light flicks of tongue around the tip with gentle massaging of his taint? Of course the same goes for cunnilingus, but I am just speaking from my perspective. It is easy to get frustrated when you think your partner isn’t that stimulated by you, when it might just be that you need to shift your focus. I have had a number of fun times end with me being frustrated because I didn’t just change things up a bit or that he didn’t speak up and say “as much as I’m enjoying this, let’s try something new tonight.”

The Conclusion

This certainly isn’t the whole list, but my point is in getting the mind and keeping the mind prepared as well as communicating with your partner without judgment.

If thoughts do intrude, don’t beat yourself up for them. Notice them, let them go, and get back to the sensations at hand or however you hope to best please your partner or have them pleasure you.

As mentioned earlier, be kinder to yourself and your sexual mind. Fun times that are not overburdened will soon follow.